More Memories (from Len)

Since Kara is blogging about our relationship, I thought I'd join in. Here are my (Len's) memories:

Ever since I was a little boy I have dreamed about growing up, getting married, and having a family of my own. I was weird that way. I stressed about things like what kind of husband I would be and would I be a good father. These things mattered to me. Skip forward to when Kara and I ‘met’ on the internet. She’s already detailed how we met, so I will just fill in the details from my side of the story. When we met online and began emailing, almost daily, I was in a dark place. I had watched my first marriage fall apart in a short amount of time and I was bruised and broken in many ways.

I felt like everything I had worked towards and wanted in my life had been taken away from me and I was trying to figure how to move on from that point. I thought life was never going to be anything like how I had imagined it growing up. It would be much worse. Kara is right, when we first started emailing we were completely honest with each other. We held nothing back. What she did not mention is how encouraging she was to me.

Kara helped bring me back to everything that is good in the world. She helped me see that things could be better. I truly think God sent her to me at that time. Even if we had never dated and gotten married, she would have had a profound impact on my life, just because of when she came into it and how she treated me. She did not judge me for having been divorced. She simply accepted me and showed me the good that was still left inside of me. When you get crushed like I did it is hard to think anything good of yourself or the world.

She is totally right about me wanting to date her long before she was accepting of the idea. I remember sitting on the floor at Dad and Debbie’s house one day and her telling me that we were just friends and that we would probably be nothing more. That should have killed me, but I just kept thinking that I could not give up on her. Even as badly as my heart had been ripped up I knew that if I did not try with this woman then I might be missing out on the greatest gift of my life.

I remember something my sister, Karin, told me one time after my divorce seemed imminent. She said that my first wife was not my chance at happiness, I was hers and that she ruined it. Karin told me that I would be happy again. Kara made me believe that.

One day I got very sick while I was living on my own in Georgetown. It must have been a Saturday, or school was out, but Kara came over and took care of me all day. She made me food and picked up medicine. I was miserable, but having her there made it bearable. I remember lying on the couch too sick to even watch TV when it dawned on me that Kara loved me. Why else would she spend her time taking care of some sick guy she was not interested in romantically? Maybe she did not know it yet, but that day meant so much to me.

The night we went to 6th Street was the beginning of our real romance. Like Kara said I took her hand to help her get around the crowd, but she never let go either. It was not just me. She did not mention the goofy conversation we had though. The rest of our gang had gone upstairs in this one club and we were left downstairs together. At some point I remember leaning into her ear and asking her if us holding hands meant that she was now my girlfriend. She just smiled real big with this twinkle in her eye and asked me, “Do you want me to be your girlfriend?” I think I said, “What do you think?” To which she replied, “Then I guess I’m your girlfriend.” Best conversation ever.

Another moment that Kara could not tell you about was a conversation I had with Jeremy Smith, my best friend (and later my best man). We were talking about the women he and I have dated and I realized as I was talking with him that Kara was the kind of woman I needed in my life. Jeremy and I are a lot alike and we need strong, steadfast women, which we both got. Kara was not what I was looking for, but she was, and is, definitely what I need to be a better man.

It was funny how quickly Kara went from shunning romance to overanalyzing everything about us and our relationship to wanting to get serious. There were plenty of days I got frustrated with her thorough treatment of our relationship. It seemed like she did not want to say “I love you” until she was absolutely, 100% certain she really did. Looking back I know she was just being cautious and smart, because once she committed, she committed all the way.

In a note that I wrote to Kara on something that I gave her, and in a poem that I wrote for her, I told her that she helped put me back together. I was only half a man when I met her, but by the time she gave me her love I was twice the man I had ever been. I should have been scared to put myself out there and give someone my heart again, but I knew I could trust Kara and I knew I would regret it if I did not do so. I still had some trust issues to work through, like when I found out how often she emailed her only serious ex-boyfriend and how he called me “the boy,” but she was gentle and understanding through it all.

Over and over again I remember wondering why on God’s green earth this woman wanted to be with me. But repeatedly she showed me how much she did love me. The night I asked her to marry me was one of the greatest nights of my life. We were out on the lake in Rockwall, where her stepfather’s family lived, and it was freezing. I asked her to ride around with me in the golf cart they owned. I had to convince her to do it. Then we got out near the water and stood next to each other, only she burrowed herself into my chest for warmth.

I tried to start the little speech I had rehearsed in my mind several times, but I was talking to the top of her head. Finally I grabbed her shoulders and gently pushed her away a little so I could look her in the eye. At some point she realized how serious I was being. When I got down on my knee she really realized how serious I was. She hardly let me get the question out before saying yes. That moment I felt like Job at the end of his story, when everything is restored to him. The pain I had gone through was a distant memory and paled in comparison to the joy that Kara brought me, and still brings to me today. She did not just heal me, she erased my scars.